Saturday, March 17, 2012

Five characters for my bizarro basketball team

My college was not fortunate (?) enough to have an athletic program of any kind, much less a basketball team, so I have no dog in the hunt when it comes to the college basketball tournament. Still, I know how to capitalize on a popular trend when I see one, and since my Twitter feed is gonna be clogged with words like brackets and seeds and pools and upsets for the next two weeks or so, I figure the least I can do is find a way to tie all that stuff in with the movies somehow.

A few caveats: there are no superheroes, aliens, monsters, or any similar supernatural characters on this team. Too easy. (So that leaves Teen Wolf out.) There are no cinematic basketball-playing characters, or indeed, any professional, collegiate or high school athletes of any kind to be found here. Again, too easy. Sometimes, in the search for greatness, you have to think outside the box...

- Point guard. The man with the plan. The guy who sets up the action for everybody else. The Magic Johnson role. The action on a basketball court can be, and often is, fast. You need somebody who's used to working with a team of specialists in a tense environment where the difference between success and failure can be measured in seconds...

Sound like a job for Ethan Hunt to me! I had also considered Danny Ocean, but anyone who can dangle off the world's tallest building like it ain't no thing isn't gonna be afraid to drive the lane against the big 7-footers in the paint, y'know what I'm sayin'?

- Shooting guard. The marksman of the team, especially from long-distance. It takes nerves of steel, not to mention preternatural confidence, to hit your target when the lane is jammed with defenders and there's only five seconds remaining on the shot clock. Seems to me we need someone fearless. Someone with ice water in their veins, who can look their opponent in the eye and never blink...

... a professional. Leon, you magnificent bastard, you know you've got a permanent spot on my All-Star team.

- Small forward. Now this one was kinda tough. I need someone who can go toe-to-toe against the likes of LeBron James without flinching, and that ain't easy. He should be strong, quick-minded as well as quick of foot, someone not afraid to get more than a little rough in the paint if the situation requires it, but will stand his ground and make the play no matter what. I need a cat who won't cop out when there's danger all about...

Can ya dig it? I mean, there's a reason one of his sequels is called Shaft's Big Score, after all!

- Power forward. The Charles Barkley of the team. Sure, this person can score, but what I really want out of the position is defense, especially on the road. When the team is in the enemy camp, with 20,000 screaming maniacs calling for their blood, I need to know that this person will protect the rim against any and all comers, grab those rebounds, and keep the team alive. Hmm. Someone resourceful, who can protect something small, vulnerable and precious against a hostile aggressor. Let's see...

O hai, Ellen Ripley! You say you're not afraid of mixing it up with the guys after being stranded on a penal colony with a bunch of convicts? And you've got a killer half-court shot, too? That's all I need to hear!

-Center. Um... all I really need here is a big guy who can block shots and make the occasional Kareem-like lay-up.

Okay, Cinque, no need to get all dramatic and stuff. You can be my center. You were pretty badass when you were slicing up all those white slavers. Maybe we can make a player out of you.

So whaddya think? I bet I could make a pretty awesome team outta these guys. I need to remember, though, to be careful if we ever play a game where Mickey Gordon is refereeing...

...I hear he doesn't miss a thing.


  1. This would make a good one shot comic or short animation film.

  2. Haha... Well done, sir. I love the creativity.

    Who's the sixth man?

  3. Hadn't thought of that. Perhaps in a follow-up.


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