Tuesday, August 24, 2010
seen @ Kew Gardens Cinemas, Kew Gardens, Queens, NY
A long time ago, I hurt someone I loved. I didn't mean to do it. Chalk it up to being young and stupid... but I did it all the same. Ever since that day, I've had to learn to live with the guilt I felt as a result, knowing that I'd lost the love of someone I treasured. Time passed. We continued with our lives, albeit separately. On a couple of occasions, I'd bump into her. She acted friendly towards me, as if she had forgiven me, but the thing is, I could not forgive myself. I didn't think myself worthy of forgiveness, and I couldn't believe she was capable of granting it.
I saw her once again this past winter, and once again, she seemed happy to see me. She insisted we stay in touch this time, and even went so far as to friend me on Facebook. I was nervous, but what could I do - say no? If this is how she wanted it, I felt like I owed her. So we e-mailed each other a bit, and then one day she asked if we could have coffee. Now I was really nervous... but again, I didn't see how I could refuse her anything. In fact, I was prepared to tell her the one thing I never got to tell her before - that I was sorry. Even if she didn't need to hear it, I needed to say it.
As it turned out, she put me completely at ease from the get-go, so much so that in the end, I didn't need to say it after all. For the first time since that day long ago, I truly felt her forgiveness and more importantly, I was able to believe in it - and to forgive myself.
Robert Duvall's character in Get Low did something bad long ago, and spent the rest of his life kicking himself over it. Ultimately he realizes he needs forgiveness as well, no matter how he tries to deny it at first, and as I watched this splendid film, I thought to myself, I know how he feels. I know what it means to beat yourself up over something for so long that it eats away at you, to the point that it affects the choices you make. At least I didn't have to wait until the end of my life before I could feel redeemed.